Chapter 11: Heartbroken

There aren’t words…

 

We aren’t adopting.

 

Jody let us know yesterday that she has chosen to parent the child. I’m proud of her for doing what she feels best, despite all obstacles. Every woman has the right to parent her child. No one can blame her.

We love her. We love the hope she gave us. The thought that someone would choose us to parent their child is huge. The gravity of such a decision we cannot fathom.

Bryce and I are mourning the loss of another dream. At least no one can tell us multiple times that we’re infertile.

We aren’t mad at Jody. We have no reason to be. She gave us love.

However, the feelings we feel are anger. Anger towards our situation. It just brings to light the awful question “why us?” Why can’t we experience parenthood the way our bodies intended? Why this trial? What are we supposed to learn from this?

I’ve done the checklist of things to do.

  • Contact loved ones
  • Contact the attorney
  • Contact the social worker

Now what? We are both sitting here, in silence, with tear stained eyes. The pugs snuggle into us. What do we do now?

I suppose we do what we have to do… Go to work. Go to school. Make money. And plan to do it all over again.

There are a lot of unanswered questions. We don’t really know why, what changed, or what we could have done.

I want to apologize to everyone who has sent us baby things. I was going to do shout-outs this weekend and show pictures of everything we’ve been given. To the people who sent us things: Thank you. Your support has done more than you know. I do not know what is appropriate etiquette. Do I return them to you? Is that rude? I have no idea.

Here’s a little something I haven’t talked about much: We don’t have a nursery. I couldn’t do it. It was my last defense, and I’m proud I didn’t nest. I would hate to have an empty nursery, knowing what I know now. It may not make sense to everyone, but it was my one last protection. I used our lack of a nursery to protect me. I don’t regret that. When we do become parents – all paperwork is signed and a baby in our arms – only then will we build a nursery. The pillow that I recently bought – that’s been the only purchase. A meager $10.

For now, all the things we have been given sit in a neat little pile in our office. Just waiting.

Thank you to everyone for being on this journey with us and showing your love. We have needed it and appreciated it more than you will ever know.

 

Broken

 

 

Jody,

We love you. We want what’s best for you. If you ever change your mind – we are here for you. Whether she is 1 day old or 1 year old. Please don’t be a stranger.